


Cupid

by Four_Four



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Christian Character, Derek Hale is a Softie, Derek Hale is a love disaster, F/M, M/M, Stiles Stilinski is a Cupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27887203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Four_Four/pseuds/Four_Four
Summary: The problem, in fact, is that cupids cannot distribute love to each other, it is impossible, mainly because they know what will happen, they have a solitary age-old existence, living on loves that they can see but can never have.Or: Where Derek Hale is a love disaster.[Sterek][AU - Alternative Universe]
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Past Derek Hale/Original Female Character(s), Past Derek Hale/Original Male Character(s)
Kudos: 52





	Cupid

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY, I love this story, it is also posted on my P  
> Wattpad profile (4-Four) and my Spirit Fanfics profile (PdePrincesa) if you are reading this on a paid site, I DID NOT POST THIS!
> 
> I don't have a beta and English is not my first language, so be patient with grammar mistakes, please!
> 
> Good reading!

Derek Hale was a nightmare.

A gigantic nightmare, with problems of anger, emotional constipation and internal suffering.

And Derek Hale loved to fuck cupids.

You see, in Ancient Greece it was easy to be a cupid, you looked at people, looked at their emotional connections, analyzed the odds and BAM, you put an arrow on the couple and they fell in love and had beautiful children.

And then cupids could go to another couple.

It was like that for centuries, the Cupids agency was responsible for bringing together Bonnie and Clyde, Cleopatra and Marco Antonio, Paris and Helena de Troy, they also brought together Charles and Lady Di just to separate them later, they were petty and the Queen of England was making plans to ban the country's arches.

Horrible.

Through Achilles' golden buttons, they found the love of life for Gerard Argent, Derek Hale couldn't be that impossible.

They were wrong.

He was impossible.

Completely, totally, irrevocably impossible.

See, Derek Hale's first cupid was Samanta, she was a novice and Derek was young, she had to find a teenage love that would last a few weeks and then go away, maybe cause a little bit of loving chaos, a disappointment here, a disappointment there , nothing that would do much harm.

So of course Derek had to fall head over heels in love with the girl, and then he had to kill her.

Good Lord God, it was a terrible nightmare, the paperwork it spawned, mountains and mountains of paper that left Cupid without a vacation for three whole years, what the hell should you say to 'Dude over there' when a fifteen year old boy accidentally kills the mother of the future President of America?

Oh, of course, as if that weren't enough, Derek Hale had to fall in love while he was completely emotionally wounded - and that generated more paperwork, two more years without a vacation - Kate Argent was a crazy psychopath who had a place in hell since she was born, and that said a lot.

And of course she had to be a werewolf hunter, poor Theo - who replaced Samanta after she pulled out all her feathers in a severe case of stress - collapsed when she found out that Derek's older brother Sebastian was killed in the fire.

Derek had killed - indirectly - any and all hopes for werewolves to be revealed in society in a fair and equal way - 2021 was screwed.

As if that weren't enough, Derek Hale had to fall in love with a New York witch somehow, it wouldn't be too bad, the problem was that the witch was destined to have an epic love with Tobias Gloover, Tobias and the Witch that would literally be the parents of the girl who finds the cure for cancer.

So it is clear that Derek Hale had to put his dirty and greedy little fingers on the witch, and of course he had to break her fragile little heart, and she had to become a bad witch and was killed by Argent's passing through the city.

Goodbye cancer cure.

Ah yes, we cannot forget the case that Derek had with James Tonson, who had an important role in being one of the main spreaders of the LGBT + cause and who was going to implement efficient laws that practically nullified the actions against LGBT +.

Derek had to break his little heart and James died in a fatal car accident.

In short, Derek Hale was the devil of cupids himself, he managed to pull the feathers from Samanta's wings, he gave poor Theo a stroke - cupids couldn't have spills until Derek Hale -, he made Anne cry - Anne hasn't cried since her wedding Tristan and Isolde - and caused Adam to have broken wing ligaments, twelve years out of cupid service.

So that's why Cupid is involved, there was never anyone so troubled when Derek Hale, maybe Shakespeare, but he wrote good works so Cupid can forgive, but not Derek, Derek who made the one-week paperwork become the paperwork of five years.

And Cupid was furious.

Jennifer Blake was the last straw in the sea of fury that Derek would be facing.

Not that Jennifer had big plans for the history of the world in general, she was just going to ... well, die an extremely painful death and then she was going to be tortured eternally in the fires of hell while the devil laughed over tea with tears shed.

Yes, well, except that Jennifer wasn't really important to anything other than entertaining the lord of hell.

Maybe Jennifer was a little important to the history of the world, the last time the demon was bored he threw the black plague over Europe, yes, well, maybe Jennifer Blake should die.

Nobody wanted a repetition of 1346 in 2020.

That would all be stopped if Derek Hale let Jennifer Blake die, but no, the big stupid idiot with the emotional reach of a teaspoon was protecting her.

Cupid was fed up.

That's why he appears in the middle of that filthy loft in a snap, the last guy he had to deal with personally was Julius Caesar, because he was a real ass.

The first thing he does is to ban Jennifer Blake directly to his special little place in hell, the second is to breathe easy, a world crisis to solve less.

Cupid wonders, briefly, when the Cupids agency became the world’s love-based disaster resolution agency.

The third thing Cupid does is try to incinerate Derek Hale with a look.

— You. — he snaps at Derek Hale, stress rising in his body. — It is a great little shit, I swear to God I will gouge your eyes out and make you eat them, so I will kick your ass so hard that you will see your balls in your stomach.

Derek Hale looks impossibly scandalized, which somewhat eases Cupid's fury.

— Do we know each other? — The man asks, after a few seconds.

— I know you Derek Hale, you are responsible for this. — Cupid says, pointing to the gray hair that used to be a beautiful brown tone. — I'm only 3500 years old, do you think I'm old enough to have white hair?

— Yes? — the sound comes out as a question, Cupid lets out an angry sound, he's old, but not that old, the guy over there is at least a few millennia older than him, now, looking at Derek Hale personally he doesn't know what the guy's problem.

He is not ugly, with a natural tan, beautiful green eyes and an expressive face with thick eyebrows and a divine chin, and his nose, Cupid has not seen such a nose since he met Hercules, and the muscles, divine, Achilles would have been jealous.

— Get out of my house. — Derek replies, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown of disgust, suddenly Cupid remembers why Derek likes to fuck the timeline so much.

Everything good about Derek Hale is covered in a layer of stubbornness, arrogance, arrogance, anger, emotional constipation and a bad taste for dating.

— I'm your designated full-time nanny. — Cupid replies, without hiding his hard smile, the last time he was babysitting someone was when Aphrodite discovered that he could change his shape and seduce people.

— I don't need a babysitter. — and now the petulant Derek is back, and Cupid is angry, because Derek needs a babysitter, he can't see a pretty guy / girl around and needs to stick his dick where it shouldn't be.

— Wait, who are you? — One of Derek's betas asks, the crooked-jawed boy.

— Cupid, of course. — he replies, with a disdainful sound. — But you can call me Stiles, mortals like you couldn't say my name.

— What did Derek do to piss Cupid off? — the blonde beta with curls asks, wide eyes looking at Stiles as if he were the reincarnation of Jesus - technically they were brothers, but this is not history for now.

— First, he killed the president's mother, then he dated that Argent bitch who killed Sebastian Hale, the guy who was going to bring rights to the werewolves, then he broke the heart of the girl's mother who was going to find a cure for cancer, then he dated the man who was going to make the LGBT community respected worldwide, and if he had left Jennifer Blake alive as he wanted the world he would have fallen into a global pandemic because the devil himself would be bored. — Stiles replies, releasing some of his fury. — In addition to burying myself in five years of unpaid paperwork.

— Did you end the cancer cure? — the redhead, Lydia if he remembers well, a problem in the cupids community, almost gave poor Theo another stroke when he decided that Jordan Parrish was not his perfect match, and he was, Stiles is Cupid and no one can doubt his loving advice word.

— He didn't end the cancer cure, he just postponed, by type, three or four centuries.

— Centuries? — the indignant cry she utters is like a balm in Stiles' soul, he's been wanting to yell at Derek since he killed Paige, the chaos that happened at the agency was still being fixed.

— It was a nightmare, a real nightmare, the guy over there was quite upset with you. — Stiles adds, because well, what person in their right mind would not be afraid of the literal God?

— God was mad at Derek? — the uncle, surprisingly not a nightmare for cupids, considering the family line, of Derek, Peter, maybe he puts Samanta - poor girl, still with bandaged wings - in his case, particularly easy to solve.

— Mortals shouldn't speak his name, he literally listens every time, that's why when you need him he doesn't answer, because you are boring, and a little annoying. — Stiles responds. — But yes, he was furious with him, he wanted to send Uriel to pay a visit and you know ... — Stiles makes the famous cut throat sign.

— The guy over there was in a conspiracy with an angel to kill Derek because he broke the heart of a woman mother of a very important person, but instead he sent Cupid as a nanny? — the blonde girl, Erica, she didn't know yet, but in the future she would win two Oscars, four Golden Globes and three MTV Movie & TV Awards, Stiles was so proud, he remembers when he joined her great-great-grandparents.

— Exactly. — Stiles responds. — Now I have to watch Derek, 24 hours a day and prevent him from getting a girlfriend and screwing up something important, who knows what he could screw up this time.

— I'm not that bad. — Derek grumbles, arms still crossed over his broad chest.

Stiles snaps his fingers and a replica of his office appears in the loft, at least four stacks of paper on the floor and at least three more stacks of paper on the mahogany table, two iron cabinets named _Derek Hale_ were stacked in the corner.

— That was all the paperwork I had to fill out when you decided Kate Argent was a good girlfriend. And that was only the day you decided, I spent five whole years mired in papers because of you, you're not bad Derek Hale, you suck.

Derek shrugs, looking very much like a punished child, Stiles could only feel better if poor Theo could see, the boy has been working hard to recover from a stroke.

— I almost forgot. — Stiles exclaims. — You also have a court order signed by the Almighty, you are strictly forbidden to date mortals until the day, citing the Creator _himself in which the apocalypse devastates this miserable land and devastates any happiness you find._ — Stiles takes the white parchment and hands it to Derek.

Derek can't really read the language of angels / cupids / celestial beings, but things that were touched by the Almighty always gave off an energy that made everyone nervous and then purified.

Derek takes the paper with shaking hands, his face looking pasty white, Stiles doesn't spend much time with humans, but he knows that it isn't every day that a human receives a court order from the Chief.

Stiles' face twists into a grimace when he observes that purification doesn't work on Derek Hale, possessed by a demon is definitely eliminated from his list, he will discover the problem that Derek has with relationships.

Even if it's the last thing he does.

— What will happen if I break the court agreement? — Derek asks, still a little shaky.

— Ah, almost nothing, the Father of All was merciful, you and the rest of humanity will be condemned to live in eternal damnation by paying for your infinite sins until the whole always ends. — Stiles responds cheerfully.

— What happens in eternal damnation? - Jackson — another nightmare, but a controlled one, should have stayed with his best friend years ago, but decided he was straight, Cupids laughed for weeks when they heard that - he asks, frowning in irritation.

— Ah, well, torture, death, chaos, pain, everything bad in humanity, occasional visits from the devil, the dinosaurs that survived stay there too, blood rain, glass floor, carnivorous trees, things like that, you know?

Stiles is met with horrified looks in return, all the betas look pale, as if Stiles is saying that they are going to die, well, Stiles is going to omit that his pet was a T-rex and that sometimes angels take vacations in the damnation eternal.

It was a wonder to get a tan.

*

*

*

Stiles had been watching Derek for three weeks and he still didn't have a solution.

He had tested almost all of his theories.

_Demon-possessed. (Incorrect)._

_Lucifer's reincarnation. (Incorrect)._

_Unable to love. (Incorrect)._

The only conclusion Stiles had was that Derek Hale was as close to perfection as a human could get.

He cooked, cleaned, helped Isaac with his homework, had lovely rabbit teeth, wore soft sweaters that he knitted himself, had a dry and totally lousy mood, his eyes always crinkled when he smiled, and he always helped in the animal shelter I could help the old ladies cross the street and read to the children in the library every Wednesday.

He also had defects, of course, Stiles was not blind, his laugh was horrible, he ate Brussels sprouts as if it were chocolate, he always left his keys left in the loft, he never powdered tennis shoes and he had an unhealthy aversion to pumpkins .

Stiles just doesn't know what the problem is.

Derek is literally a Godfather's gift on earth.

— I'm in an existential dilemma. — Stiles informs Derek, when he sits next to her on the sofa, the program on TV forgotten.

— Because? — Derek asks, in a growl.

— In all my 3500 years of life I never found a problem that I could not solve, I solved the sexual crisis of Alexander the Great, I found a lover who could support Shakespeare, I married the Queen of England, but you, you Derek Hale it is impossible for Cupid.

Derek smiles, his rabbit teeth appear, his eyes crinkle and he looks like the image of genuine happiness, and Stiles is so in love and ...

_Oh._

Stiles has butterflies in his stomach that flap their wings wildly, he's pretty sure Derek can hear, his heart feels like a drum and he's producing sweat, which is unfair and disgusting.

Stiles is not sure what to do with it, cupids never fall in love.

It's like a universal law, they just don't fall in love.

The thing is simple in fact, the cupids agency has all and any romantic love in the world, from the small high school passions to the great epic loves like Romeo and Juliet, they can distribute love to all mortals and immortals, they united Zeus and Hera - not the best job, but the intention is what counts -, Adam and Eve, Persephone and Hades, Mary and Joseph.

The problem, in fact, is that cupids cannot distribute love to each other, it is impossible, mainly because they know what will happen, they have a lonely millennial existence, living on loves that they can see but can never have.

It's lonely, but it works for them.

They live, every day since humans were created distributing love without ever having a love, they see relationships being born and dying, they cheer for them, cry for them, scream at them.

But at the end of the day they still don't have a love.

The fact that Stiles feels something close to Derek is a gigantic indication of the man's bad taste in dating.

And an even greater indication that someone gave Stiles himself romantic love, and with Stiles being the Original Cupid there were few people with more power than him, some of them being the literal demon and the ...

— Old bastard. — Stiles says to the ceiling, it is clear that the Godfather would mess with the love life - nonexistent - of his son.

Stiles repeats an infinite mantra of _God, God, God, God, God, God, God_ in his head as much as he can, what better way to irritate the Father of All than to call him infinitely while he can.

 _Strictly forbidden to date mortals._ Of course, Derek Hale's lifetime contract would be one in which the Mighty One makes it explicit that Stiles is the only one Derek can date.

Stiles leans forward and smacks his lips with Derek's, it's not like they imagined it would be, seeing a kiss is different than a kiss, it's a little dry, Derek's beard tickles and humans need a nose to what really?

So Derek is moving and _OH, YES_ , Stiles understands why humans love to exchange saliva with each other so much, Stiles doesn't really need to breathe, and it sucks that Derek is moving away so early with heavy breathing and red ears, looking adorable.

— My brain looks like porridge. — he informs Derek, who looks distinctly proud and a little embarrassed.

Maybe someone should start a dating agency for cupids.

**Author's Note:**

> And then? Did you like it?


End file.
